Rebuilding My Faith

 I am emotionally exhausted. After 6 months of continuous medical tests, some routine, some not routine, it is time now to regroup, recover and rebuild my faith. 

I cancelled next week’s angiogram (to check circulation of my legs) and the follow up for the following week.  I was pushing forward to complete it but when my Primary doctor said don’t do it, my prayer became Lord, if you don’t want me to do it I needed to hear loud and clear.  Put something in the way to prevent it from happening.  The vertigo this week was that roadblock and the verse in my head the last couple days has been from Proverbs 11, that says in a multitude of counselors there is safety.  Five out of six people, including 2 doctors and a nurse, have said wait or don’t do it. 

I’m trusting that God sees something I don’t.  So this becomes a rebuilding of my faith situation. Another confirmation was reading Hebrews 11, the faith chapter, this morning in devotions.  Plus a post from a friend yesterday about faith encouraged me.

So a new season begins.  To have faith, I need to trust. To trust I need to let go of control. To let go of control I need to allow God to lead and to help me as I can’t do it all myself.  (I’ve realized how independent, even of Him, I’ve become in this last decade. Not where I want to be. Father forgive me.)

It’s time to rebuild the temple, both in my physical life and spiritual life: exercise and study.  Now I need a plan and incentive to get started.

It didn’t take long for doubts/fear to start attacking my mind that I made a poor choice in canceling the procedure. But God keeps reminding me, for months now, to trust my decisions as he is leading me.  God is in control! The weight of this is not on my shoulders. I will not worry about what I can no longer change. My times are in Gods hands.

Breakthrough needed

 It’s been a long season this year fighting fear and anxiety and I still struggle on.  I’m feeling as if I need a breakthrough soon.  Something that will shatter the chains that bind.  It’s been a roller coaster ride.  I conquer and then another issue surfaces and I’m left admist those crumbling walls once again.  

So Lord Jesus I lift my voice to you asking that you heal me from the inside out. That I would discover that peace in the middle of chaos again.  Reveal to me a tangible link to hold on to when the sea becomes rough.  Restore my faith and trust, for you are in control, and have me in the palm of your hand.  It is only by being yoked together with you that I can be an overcomer.  It is too big to carry on my own.  Breakthrough the strongholds in my life with Your grace, peace, love and mercy. Make me more than a conqueror in you. Amen.

Crumbling Walls

 Rest. Rebuild. Wait.

My three words for this long season.  I feel that I have moved into the rebuilding time.  I’ve barely started into this season and it has been painful.   My walls have crumbled and all that is left is the rubble of the past.  Where is the faith I used to have? The joy and excitement? 

Rebuilding is not easy.  All kinds of problems arise as noted when both Eara and Nehemiah encountered opposition when they started rebuilding the temple and the walls of Jerusalem.  

My opposition has been fear and anxiety. I have challenged those and the enemy is not making it easy for me this year. Seems that as one piece of wall goes up another side crumbles.

“But how to get faith strengthened? Not by striving after faith, but by resting on the Faithful One.”  By John McCarthy [in Hangchow, China].  Taken from Hudson Taylor’s publication, The Exchanged Life.

(Wrote August 25, 2021 and quoted added Oct. 4, 2021.)

Weapons In My Arsenal

I wrote this August 17 and waited to post it.  Reading it again was beneficial for me so I will post.

 So do we have both physical and spiritual weapons?  I think so.

Medical tests and medications arm us in the physical to fight against the physical onslaught of the enemy.

However, spiritually we arm ourselves with the word of God, with courage and faith.  The weapons of our warfare are not carnal.

“There is no fear in love [dread does not exist], but full-grown (complete, perfect) love turns fear out of doors and expels every trace of terror! For fear brings with it the thought of punishment, and [so] he who is afraid has not reached the full maturity of love [is not yet grown into love’s complete perfection]. 1 John 4: 18”.       Living Courageously: You Can Face Anything, Just Do It Afraid by Joyce Meyer

Mixed messages?  I don’t think so because God is the one ultimately in control.  Medical science has made miraculous inroads but not without the hand of God directing.  

Building An Arsenal…

If you read back a few posts you will see that I am conquering fears.  It’s not been an easy battle as I smacked into a brick wall of anxiety over this past week.  I couldn’t shake it.

Over the past month, I had a number of medical tests, most of which were heart related. Today, at last,  was the final test in a series of 4 cardiology appointments, with the results to follow in 2 weeks.  

I was recently challenged that having a COVID test was a lack of faith.  So in that same line of reasoning are the heart tests also a lack of faith?  I considered this.  But I felt the Lord say that He was guiding me and that I needed to trust my decisions, something I have difficulty doing.  I am very good at second guessing myself.

For me, these medical tests are weapons that I can put into my arsenal against the enemy. Anxiety and fear are my enemies.  Only on a rare occasion did God tell the Israelites to go to war against their enemies without weapons.  I feel God telling me to build an arsenal of weapons (physical and spiritual)… not lay them down.  

Believe me, I had never considered medical tests as weapons of warfare until yesterday. It was a new perspective.  Was this one effective? Yes. The COVID test was negative and anxiety tucked his tail between his legs and backed off.   

And for me, I will continue to scale the walls with God’s strength and with the weapons He puts at my disposal.  I am so glad God deals with us as individuals.  What may be lack of faith for one person, may be a strengthening of faith for another.  God’s perspective, God’s ways and thoughts are higher than ours. (Isaiah 55:9)

Re-entry Anxiety

“Re-entry anxiety is real! Nearly half of U.S. adults feel anxious about resuming in-person interactions post-pandemic. Focus on the 3 Rs: recover your well-being, resume regular activities safely and reconnect with what’s important to you – your health, family, community and sense of purpose – so you can Live Fierce.”  -  American Heart Association 

I experienced this re-entry anxiety last week during the first outside visit with a friend in the year and a half since COVID.  It turned out that it was an epic failure, at least in my eyes.  Without going into details, I left fighting tears from what had become a traumatic experience for me.

Fear took over my mind and as fear grew I found myself becoming more and more depressed.  As the anxiety built, I started with forgiveness and prayer.  Yet, the anxiety clung tenaciously to me.  Distractions worked temporarily but as night fell the anxiety dug it’s claws deeper.  I turned to my prayer warriors on Facebook and as the prayer notifications came in sleep finally came.  Thank you for covering my back.

Yet, I still found myself struggling the next day and now depression was starting.  I put on a Terry Talbot song called Heal Me.  A favorite from years back.  The words, “Heal me Lord, heal me. Humble me that I might see you. Heal me, Lord, heal me.” made an impression.  Especially the word humility this time.

Humility.   Ok, so I humbled myself and called a friend to pray with me directly. I explained the whole situation to her and she prayed…fervently, and offered some perspective on the situation.  I felt much better after that call and I had more ammunition against the enemy.

God is in control.  Fear is not in control. My inheritance comes from Jesus.  He left me His peace.  His calm.  In God’s strength I can crush my dreads and fears.  I can crush perfectionism.  I can crush the sense of being wrong.  I can make it over any wall the enemy sets before me.  Because God says, not to be afraid because He is with me.  He says, don’t be discouraged because He is my God.  He says he will give me strength and help. And He will hold me up with his victorious right hand!  Victorious!   (Ps.18:29 and Is.41:10)

Deep Roots

Where does it come from, this extreme feeling of making a mistake or a wrong choice or decision.  Of forgetting to do something, or something going haywire before an important event?  What happened to leave such a deep wound?  Maybe there isn’t a need to know. It been with me so long I have no idea of when it started.  Childhood perhaps.   Lord forgive me; for the fear and dread, for the lack of trust in you.  The roots go deep.  

I claim the inheritance that you have for me Jesus.  Peace and calm.  Not the inheritance of fear from Mom.  You were peaceful and calm in the boat when the disciples panicked.  I no longer want the panic and anxiety I have lived with for years and years.  

Heal me Lord, Heal me.

From the book Don’t Dread by Joyce Meyers

“Faith is for right now, today. My faith today says my past can be taken care of. Right now if I have that joyful expectancy of good, my faith today can say, “God can do something about my past and cause all that has happened to even work for my good.” Then if I believe today that God can take care of my past, today I can have joy.

If, because of my mindset and emotions, I’m playing around with yesterday, thinking and worrying about things I cannot do anything about, I’m wasting today. If I’m trying to figure out everything about the future and dreading upcoming events, I’m losing today.”

Battle lines are drawn

Have a number of medical tests scheduled.  Once again the feeling of dread lays heavy as a blanket shrouding me.  Always the feeling of something bad happening before to prevent me from attending. Encouraging myself by reading Joyce Meyers book, “Don’t Dread.”

Today’s devotional was Psalm 18 and the daily verse was Is. 41:10.  Just what I needed….

 ME:  In your (God’s) strength I can crush an army (of my dread and fears); with my God I can scale any wall.   Psalm 18:29 NLT

GOD: Don’t be afraid, for I am with you. Don’t be discouraged, for I am your God. I will strengthen you and help you. I will hold you up with my victorious right hand.  Isaiah 41:10 NLT

I Am In This

 The word I keep hearing from God… “I Am in this.”

I Am in the loneliness.

I Am in the unknown, the Dr appointments.

I Am in the challenges of Covid and the vaccines.

Personally, I am in the middle of confronting my fears.  Whether it be medical issues with the cardiologist.  Or when to get the Covid vaccine or if to get it at all. Or in the loneliness of not seeing or communicating with people.  He says, that He is in it.   He knows. He understands. He is beside me and guiding me.

So this week, Isaiah 58:11-12 - NLT has been coming to my heart.  “The Lord will guide you continually, giving you water when you are dry and restoring your strength. You will be like a well-watered garden, like an ever-flowing spring. Some of you will rebuild the deserted ruins of your cities. Then you will be known as a rebuilder of walls and a restorer of homes.”

1. The Lord says he will continually guide me.  I tend to overthink my decisions, thus being unable to make any decisions.  Time to stop and listen.  If he is guiding me then I have to trust that my mind will also be guided by him.  

2. He is the Living Water that restores my strength.  Living water will never run dry.  There will be no dought with Him.

3. Once again here are the words rebuild and restore.  To me rebuilding walls mean protection, community protection, and restoring homes is the personal safety and security we need.  Protection, safety and security.  Some of us will do this.  I do believe that is my answer for the vaccines.

This morning I read Psalm 23:1-3 - NLT “The Lord is my shepherd; I have all that I need. He lets me rest in green meadows; he leads me beside peaceful streams. He renews my strength. He guides me along right paths, bringing honor to his name.”

Once again, this confirms to me that He is guiding me, giving me strength, rest and peace.  I can rely and trust that he has me covered, 

DisCOURAGEment

It’s allergy season and since COVID mimics allergies it hard to tell what’s happening.  I have had 4 appointments cancel because I was not feeling 100%.  This is discouraging since it is so difficult for me to make appointments in the first place.  When will I ever feel 100%?

I have avoided outside work and exercise to keep the allergies at bay and the weeds in the yard are beginning to take over.  Discouraged once again.  I am not living life.  I am existing from one moment to the next. The weeds in my life are growing as fast as the weeds outside.  

Over the years, I conditioned my friends not to call me when I was working and on the phone 12 hours a day.  At that time I couldn’t stand the phone.  Now, it can be days or weeks before anyone calls me, if I don’t call them first. I miss people! Texting is okay but I would rather hear a voice or see a face especially since in person hugs are still unavailable. COVID fear is a robber!  

So I have been reading in Deuteronomy.  My favorite verse about choosing life.

“Today I have given you the choice between life and death, between blessings and curses. Now I call on heaven and earth to witness the choice you make. Oh, that you would choose life, so that you and your descendants might live! You can make this choice by loving the Lord your God, obeying him, and committing yourself firmly to him. This is the key to your life. And if you love and obey the Lord, you will live long in the land the Lord swore to give your ancestors Abraham, Isaac, and Jacob.”   Deuteronomy 30:19-20 NLT

I choose life. I often fail and sink into the pit of discouragement as I’ve mentioned above.  But I noticed the word courage in the midst of disCOURAGEment.  The Israelites and Joshua specifically are told many times to be strong and courageous.  That goes for me personally also.  Sherri be strong and courageous.

So to choose life; I need to love God. Obey Him.  Commit firmly to him.  Amen and Selah.

It’s The Year of Rebuilding

Yesterday, my normal online service was having streaming issues.  So it’s been a while, probably months, since I had listened to the live streaming from Hillsong Phoenix.   Service had already started as I fund them online with Pastor Brian Houston teaching on Nehemiah.  The first thing I heard him say was, "This is a year of rebuilding."

This confirmed to me what I had been sensing personally.  A few years ago, if you remember, my 3 words were: rest, rebuild, and wait.  Rest took 2 years. Longer than I expected, but this year I was sensing I was moving into rebuilding stage. 

This is the year of rebuilding.  Wonder what that will look like for me personally by the end of the year.  "It is rebuilding time”

They had rebuilt the temple but they were still vulnerable to their enemies with the wall in ruins.  What did rebuilding the wall offer?

“The destruction of Jerusalem’s walls left its people exposed to great trouble and shame. Rebuilding the walls of Jerusalem was important because it revealed God’s blessing, served as a sign to Israel’s enemies, and showed God was with His people. The walls provided protection and dignity to a people who had suffered the judgment of God but had later been restored and returned to the Promised Land.“ https://www.gotquestions.org/rebuild-walls-Jerusalem.html

Lord, I am working on rebuilding the “temple” in my life, spiritually and physically as did Ezra.  What is the wall of rubble in my life that needs rebuilding? Please reveal that to me.

Peace and Hope

Those two small words have a tremendous amount of power behind them in my quest to combate anxiety and fear.

Peace I leave with you; my peace I give you. I do not give to you as the world gives. Do not let your hearts be troubled and do not be afraid. John 14:27 

May the God of hope fill you with all joy and peace as you trust in him, so that you may overflow with hope by the power of the Holy Spirit.  Romans 15:13

The God of peace will soon crush Satan under your feet. The grace of our Lord Jesus be with you.  Romans 16:20 

And the peace of God, which transcends all understanding, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus.  Philippians 4:7 NIV

Panic, Anxiety and Stress

For years, I’m talking in the area of 30 to 40 years, I have lived the motto “Do it afraid.”.  Because of my fears, I never expected to have peace as a confirmation to do something.  I prayed asked for confirmation but it usually came through the Bible or a book.  Then I did it afraid with no sense of peace due to the fear.  In fact, that leads me to my next questions to ponder, What is peace and what does it feel like?    

Just recently, as I’ve struggled with anxiety and panic attacks I started reading Joyce Meyers book, Overload How to Unplug, Unwind and Unleash yourself from the Pressure of Stress.  It has been an eye opener or maybe I should say heart opener.  I have come close to highlighting the entire book.  And for the first time, I am starting to believe that I can find that elusive peace in my life because Jesus is the Prince of Peace.  That stress and fear can be overcome because Jesus has overcome the world.  

Trust and control. Grab hold of trust and let go of control.  

““Lord, I trust You with the direction of my life, and I give You control today. I’ll do my part, and I’ll work diligently as You guide me, but I won’t receive the stress that comes from thinking I have to have all the answers. I know You have the answers, and I believe You will guide me to do what is right. I trust that You have a great plan for my life.””  Joyce Meyer

Details, Details

 I've been reading in Exodus about the building of the Tabernacle and it struck me that God is a God of details. I like details personally. God definitely likes details. Eleven chapters devoted to each minute detail. So why would I think God would not be concerned with my personal details? He is!

So please join me in prayer that I would know, that you would know, the wisdom of God; the details he has mapped out for our lives. Not just the big picture, the 5 year plan, but the everday steps and activities, even the tiniest detail, that will bring growth, restoration and healing. Open my ears and eyes to see and hear your details for my life.

Security Blanket

The beginning of this year of 2021 marked a momentous struggle for me and it all had to do with releasing some insurance I had for 13 years.  I really liked, no I really loved that little policy because you see, it paid me benefits.  Plus, it came at a time when nothing else was available to a me. However, now it was time to let it go. 

It appeared to be a crazy idea but without a lot of robbing Peter to pay Paul, I didn’t have much of a choice.  I woke up that fateful morning on December 27, 2020 with one thought, “It is the right thing to do.”  That thought was a new concept. I went through my morning routine and still the thought swirled around in my head.  As I headed to do my devotions, I prayed, “God, I need a confirmation on this.”  (You see, I have a hard time trusting my own decisions.)

I was at Romans 14 in my devotional that day, reading in the New Living Translation. As I finished the chapter the last line of verse 23 struck me. It was my confirmation, “If you do anything you believe is not right, you are sinning.” Ok, that was very direct.  There was that word “right”.  Yes, It was time to move ahead with the plan to cancel.

The next day, I read Psalm 23:3 and once again the word “right” jumped out at me. “He guides me along right paths, bringing honor to his name.”

Even though he was guiding me on the right path, anxiety and depression kicked in as I found myself grieving over the loss of that little policy and what I now realize was a security blanket for me.  Webster’s dictionary defines a security blanket as “a usually familiar object whose presence dispels anxiety”.  I always knew I could fall back on it.

I’ve doubted my decision as different things began to surface.  This would of made me money, I rationalized. I should of, I should of...  But that inner voice of the Lord said, it’s not about money but about trust and obedience.  It didn’t make the weeks any easier.  In fact, it’s almost a month later and there are times I wish my security blanket was still available.  But now I hang on to the idea of trusting that God’s presence is my security.  That it’s God who will dispel any anxiety. I can’t cancel God nor does he charge for his services. He is my security blanket.

Aloneness

The question of the hour is: If I speak of feeling alone have I hurt God? Have I discredited his leading, his guiding and his direction in my life?

I’ve been pondering those questions for awhile now. Would God be surprised that I felt alone? Have I discredited him?  I do believe that he guides me.  I do believe that he directs me and leads me.  I know he is with me every step of the way. 

Feeling alone is an emotion of loss. I just realized that recently.  Everyone handles loss differently. I feel most alone when I’m overwhelmed by a task, when I have lost someone or thing, or when I’m struggling with something be it physical, emotional or spiritual. Carrying those feelings in the darkness within me, not allowing them to see light by never talking about them is not healthy for me.  Stuffing those emotions only leads me to shut down or react in anger.  Yes, words do have power but so does bringing them into the light. Which will it be? Negative or positive?  

Now back to the question of hurting God.  Jesus cried out on the cross, “My God my God why have you forsaken me”.  Did God feel hurt that Jesus said he was forsaken?  Did Jesus wound him by stating this?  I don’t think God felt offended or that felt Jesus was disrespectful. I think his response to Jesus would of been one of love, compassion and most likely. deep sorrow that his son had to experience this.  If God felt this way with Jesus who is his son, would he not also feel this way toward me as his daughter? Would he discredit my feelings of aloneness?

God is all knowing and all loving and I think he understands when I feel alone at times.  Voicing that aloneness does not discredit that he is active in my life any more than it did when Jesus cried out that he was forsaken.  It is rather the voice of loss and sorrow. A voice that does not discredit God’s power but that is crying out for his help and healing.  A voice that needs light to dispel darkness.

But you, Lord, are a compassionate and gracious God, slow to anger, abounding in love and faithfulness. Psalm 86:15