A fall in November produced 3 fractured vertebrae and the discovery of osteoporosis, degenerative disc disease and arthritis in his hip. Another fall in January aggravated the condition and from the intense pain he probably experienced another fracture.
I’ve been struggling with anxiety big time. Seems medical issues trigger this for me but there is no way I can avoid this so I am in desperate need of God’s healing touch. I realized that my expectation was that I would be able to help Dad and he would get better. However, he has gotten worse. Not what I expected.
There are so many emotions involved that I feel like a wind-up toy just ready to spring. I literally jump at any noise. My heart races as I hear his walker hit a wall, (Has he fallen again?) or when he groans with the pain. Many of these emotions; inadequacy, shame, insecurity, rejection, and fear, I thought I had worked through years ago. But like an onion there seems to be many layers that I am still peeling off and they are resurfacing once again. I am feeling very vulnerable, and needy; overwhelmed and tired. When I’m in that place it is very difficult to think clearly and distinguish the lies of the enemy.
I also realized, when I am afraid, I want to fix. Instead, I know I should be saying … When I am afraid, I will trust in you [Lord]. When I cannot fix, I am ashamed of my failure. When I am anxious I am ashamed that this time in life is too difficult for me.
I feel like I am carrying a 20 ton weight on my shoulders and even physically I have to remind myself to stand straight and not slouch. Oh for a good massage.
So both Dad and I need your prayers. I want to be able to provide good care for him - caring for him without fear or anxiety about every move or decision. To be healthy myself and enjoy, not just endure this time together.
There is so much for me to learn in this journey – The emotional needs, the practical needs, the everyday needs, the monthly, yearly and those once in a lifetime experiences. I try to take one day at a time. Doing what has to be done right then. This has become a full time job.
A line from the Sound of Music says, “Now I am seeking the courage I lack. The courage to serve them with reliance, face my mistakes without defiance, show them I’m worthy and while I show them I’ll show me…” fits well.
Reading a care-giving article it said to list your strengths and weaknesses and delegate your weaknesses. I understand because right now my weaknesses are the necessities and my strengths are the incidentals, which equals exhaustion.
I am trying the best I can to take care of me. I am walking daily, reading, cross-stitching… the things that usually recharge me. Yet I struggle.
It’s a new season and I definitely don’t have it figured out yet. I am able to get some Bible study time which I am enjoying and feel like I’m growing again spiritually…slowly but surely.
How I love the psalms and David’s honesty. His feelings of weariness, depression, guilt, fear, rejection are there for all to see and I definitely can relate to his feelings. Yet his eyes never left the majesty of God. Oh that when I am in the midst of my own self-centeredness and self-pity – I can say like David, “I put my hope in God”.
On Christian TV (TBN) the other day there was a message that spoke directly to my heart; Judges 13, the birth of Samson and the visit of the angel of the Lord. When a sacrifice was offered for the miraculous news of the coming child, the angel of the Lord rose to heaven with the flame from the offering. It was a message of hope and rebuilding of faith; a return of passion and joy; a message that the sun will come out; a message for those in anxiety and depression. A message for those who transition has seemed like forever… a new season is coming and I offer a sacrifice of praise to the Lord.
My key verse for this season.
Be strengthened and encouraged by the Holy Spirit. Acts 9:31
Sherri
