My Peace I Leave WIth You

Jesus give me a peace to let him go and give him a peace to leave when it is your time.  I want to yell no, no, no as I type that but I also know his time is in God's hand.  I can not keep him here. Take him to you so he can be healthy and whole, active and joyful once again, leaving behind this body that no longer works.

Downhill Slide

Dad is weak and lethargic, hardly talking or eating.  Last night some close friends came over and he was responsive to them and held a decent conversation. Hadn't done that for awhile.  Today he has slept the entire day only waking when I had to feed him and give him his medicine.  The Doctor will come this afternoon to see him.

Excitement to Disappointment

My excitement turned to disappointment today.  Had the nurse and aide lined up to tag team to get Dad in and out of bed.  However, he did not want to get up today.  "Tomorrow", he said, but it leads to another tomorrow and another one.  Also tomorrow I have no one to get him up.

He still is really weak and lethargic. Moving requires a tremendous effort.  He has a loose cough and now his upper back hurts he said.  The nurse said his lungs are clear so don't know what is going on there. 

Trying a new medication to see if he will perk up and want to do something.  Just the few days he has been inactive has taken a toll that I don't know can be regained.  Praying that he will not have side effects from the new med and that it will work like it's supposed to.

Maybe I'm in denial and the cancer is really causing the decline but to me it seems more likely that it is the inactivity so we are in a catch 22.  He has to do some activity to even want to be active. He's becoming dead weight and that is going to be very difficult for me to handle alone so something will have to change and I don't want to think about that problem right now.

All or Nothing

Had 4 sets of visitors this afternoon.  Dad was doing better today but retaining fluids in his hands.  Nurse said not to worry.  Nurse and aide are going to tag team on Tues and Thurs to get him out in and out of bed.  One getting him out and the other coming an hour later to put him back in.

Both of us sound asleep when the 10 PM alarm went off for Dad's medicine tonight; me in the chair and Dad in his bed.  Neither of us very happy to have to wake up.  He was like dead weight trying to get ready for bed and could hardly get him to drink enough to take his pills.  Both of us being stubborn.  I now have a headache and am awake.  He of course went right back to sleep. 

I can do this with lots of help and ... cooperation from Dad.

When I am Afraid...

Dad wasn't feeling well today.  The laxative I gave him didn't agree with him and his stomach was hurting.  He is also dehydrated.  For some reason he is having trouble drinking but is okay with eating.  So got melons and grapes to get more liquids down that way.

Sometimes it seems that he has just given up.  I realize I have to be okay with that.  I have to be able to let him go.  I'm not there yet.  I still want to do everything possible to keep him here as long as possible.  When he felt sick today he said he was afraid but I'm not sure what he's afraid of.  I'm afraid also.  I'm afraid of failing him now at the end.  I take it personally when he doesn't eat or drink as if somehow it's my responsibility to get him to do that.  I take it personally when he is depressed and sullen.  I should find a way to make him more mentally active.  I take it personally when I can't get him out of bed.  I should be stronger so I could move him and get him more physically active. 

Whether these be truth or lie, I have still have to let go.  God has his days in His hand.  I keep reminding myself of this.  I am not God.  I can't cure the cancer.  I can't physically lift him.  I can't make him happy again.  But I can love him and care for him to the best of my ability.  

Lord help me turn him over to you; day by day, hour by hour, minute by minute.