Dad wasn't feeling well today. The laxative I gave him didn't agree with him and his stomach was hurting. He is also dehydrated. For some reason he is having trouble drinking but is okay with eating. So got melons and grapes to get more liquids down that way.
Sometimes it seems that he has just given up. I realize I have to be okay with that. I have to be able to let him go. I'm not there yet. I still want to do everything possible to keep him here as long as possible. When he felt sick today he said he was afraid but I'm not sure what he's afraid of. I'm afraid also. I'm afraid of failing him now at the end. I take it personally when he doesn't eat or drink as if somehow it's my responsibility to get him to do that. I take it personally when he is depressed and sullen. I should find a way to make him more mentally active. I take it personally when I can't get him out of bed. I should be stronger so I could move him and get him more physically active.
Whether these be truth or lie, I have still have to let go. God has his days in His hand. I keep reminding myself of this. I am not God. I can't cure the cancer. I can't physically lift him. I can't make him happy again. But I can love him and care for him to the best of my ability.
Lord help me turn him over to you; day by day, hour by hour, minute by minute.
