Weeding

Praying with a friend last night during some anxious moments, I saw a wonderful picture.

She prayed about anxious thoughts not blooming in my mind. Which prompted a picture of pulling out weeds from my mind; doubt, insecurity, discouragement, etc... I just named all that came to mind. As I was pulling them out I was placing them at the feet of Jesus, standing nearby. He then bundled them up and threw them off a cliff into the water below.

Then I felt a pulling in my heart and asked what he was pulling out and Jesus said "trust issues". This seemed like a big one. He worked slowly and gently tugging and pulling until at last I didn't feel it any more and he handed it to me to throw over the cliff.

Then we were sitting in the weeded part together. It was a peaceful and contented time. I know the weeds will return, Many of them had already gone to seed but for now they have been cast as far as the east is from the west.

Until it's time for another weeding session.

Tug-A-War

Tossing and turning has been a regular event these nights. It’s coming down to the wire now and I can feel it.

I keep asking myself the question, “Why is packing so hard this time?” It feels like a tug-a-war going on inside my head ... and body.

Physically, I’m trying to control my diabetes with diet and exercise and only one medication instead of two. So that meant some diet changes once again. Now it seems I also am having problems with acid reflux. More diet changes. Soon I won’t be able to eat anything I like and with that thought I discovered that I was feeling deprived in many areas.

Deprived has never been an emotion I’ve had to confront before now. Webster defines it as “marked by deprivation especially of the necessities of life or of healthful environmental influences”.

Recognizing that has helped some and I am trying not to focus on what I don’t have and instead remind myself what I do have. How did Paul become content in every situation, abounding and without? That has been a challenge - some days more than others. I haven’t discovered Paul’s peace yet. Any more changes or giving up of something and I...may scream, pull my hair out, take a long nap, or curl up in a ball.... A long nap sounds nice.

In April I participated in a week of learning about transitions. One thing I discovered is that since 1995, when I started YWAM, I had 99 radical changes (job, position, friends, location, housing, health, roommates, finances, etc.) and 35 minor changes (schools, trips, etc.). Overload for someone like me who’s core need is belonging and prefers consistency and stability.

This month alone finds me sorting through more changes: what is left of memories from the other moves, dealing with health issues, anxiety issues, identity issues, financial issues and moving issues.

I would appreciate, no I really need, your prayers for the next couple weeks. Oh, let’s just make that the next couple months.

My goal is to have everything packed and the house cleaned up and most driving errands accomplished in the next two weeks - before my housemate arrives home on Aug. 18^th and reclaims her house and her car.

So let me give you a very brief outline of some of my activities/goals and you can be sure there is more than just this.

Week Of:

Aug 3 ....: Library tour for new staff, Library training (student), packing at home...

Aug 10...: Vacation = pack, clean and at least have ready to ship maybe shipped.

Aug. 17...: Training for library (staff)

Aug. 24...: Base staff retreat = 3 days. Let loose of Library, everyone trained...

Aug. 31...: SBS retreat = 2 days.

Sept 7.....: Around for questions and working on SBS International.

Sept. 14...: Vacation - Sept 18 will be last day with YWAM Montana.

Sept 21...: Prepare to leave on Sept. 25th

Whew.... Now on to the next adventure