When the adult and child collide within there is - Confusion. I'm weary, numb, indecisive and fearing failure. I thought I had put childish behavior and reactions behind me only to uncover them once again. So I searched for the verse that contained "When I was a child..." and discovered it in the well known Love Chapter of 1 Corinthians. What has love got to do with it?
8Love never fails. But where there are prophecies, they will cease; where there are tongues, they will be stilled; where there is knowledge, it will pass away. 9For we know in part and we prophesy in part, 10but when perfection comes, the imperfect disappears. 11When I was a child, I talked like a child, I thought like a child, I reasoned like a child. When I became a man, I put childish ways behind me. 12Now we see but a poor reflection as in a mirror; then we shall see face to face. Now I know in part; then I shall know fully, even as I am fully known. ~ 1 Corinthians 13:8-12 NIV
"Love never fails... When perfection comes, the imperfect disappears." John says, "Perfect love drives out fear." Perfection speaking of Jesus' return. Perfect love speaking of Jesus'. Knowing I'm loved and accepting that makes all the difference in putting off childish ways. Here's a question that I don't have an answer for at this moment. Why is knowing I'm loved without any conditions so hard for me to accept and believe?
To be continued....
Tuesday, January 12, 2010
Monday, January 11, 2010
Home Again
I used to have a recurring dream where I would be climbing up a steep, rocky mountain only to slide right back down before I ever reached the top.
Here I am in my 50's and once again living in the home where I spent my teen-age and young adult years. Just when I've thought I've climbed those mountains of pleasing, of fear, of failure, of insecurity or inadequacy, I have found myself sliding back down and having to face them all over again.
I'm back in a place where even as an adult - I was a child. Emotional growth took place after I moved away. But by the time I left home at 26, I felt a good 10 years behind in emotional development and still clueless as to who the adult Sherri was independent of Mom, Dad and Grandma.
Dad is the only one still here physically but there are reminders all around of Mom and Grandma. It's hard not to become enmeshed once again and lose myself in the process during this season of service, falling back into the inadequacy and insecurity of a teen-ager.
The house is in a time warp. It's like walking back into the 60's and 70's. Nothing much has changed, except the accumulation of more stuff, from 1969 when we moved in. I know retro is in but it's not working for me.
Here I am in my 50's and once again living in the home where I spent my teen-age and young adult years. Just when I've thought I've climbed those mountains of pleasing, of fear, of failure, of insecurity or inadequacy, I have found myself sliding back down and having to face them all over again.
I'm back in a place where even as an adult - I was a child. Emotional growth took place after I moved away. But by the time I left home at 26, I felt a good 10 years behind in emotional development and still clueless as to who the adult Sherri was independent of Mom, Dad and Grandma.
Dad is the only one still here physically but there are reminders all around of Mom and Grandma. It's hard not to become enmeshed once again and lose myself in the process during this season of service, falling back into the inadequacy and insecurity of a teen-ager.
The house is in a time warp. It's like walking back into the 60's and 70's. Nothing much has changed, except the accumulation of more stuff, from 1969 when we moved in. I know retro is in but it's not working for me.
Sunday, January 10, 2010
The Decade of 2000
I just realized that this past decade, the decade of 2000, started and ended about the same; exhausted and overwhelmed. No, it wasn't all ten years of exhaustion or I don't expect I would be here today. There were some good times in between.
When the decade started I was over committed, over active and overwhelmed with all the responsibilities that I was carrying. It didn't take long before I hit the wall and burned out. I was barely able to climb the four steps into my apartment. Nor could I really think straight and remembering, well lets just say I missed a lot during that time.
Two years later a sabbatical brought the relief, direction, and refocus I needed to pull my scattered life back together.
The left overs from that time is that I don't multitask well any more and exhaustion comes more easily.
Sometimes the seasons we are in just can't be as controlled as I would like to see them. This is one of those seasons. I learned to limit my activities and say no but sometimes it seems that responsibilities grow without any say from me.
As I looked at the list of life pressures I could check off a number of them. In fact I scored over 500 points. Well over the 300 danger zone. (www.cliving.org/lifestresstestscore.htm)
So even though I have fewer number of commitments and outside activities; I still have some major responsibilities staring me in the face.
I'm reminded that 2010 is another sabbatical year. Seven years have come and gone. This however will look much different from the last sabbatical where I could release all major responsibilities. So my question is what will this sabbatical year look like?
How can I regroup my scattered focus? How do I find rest while running a house and caring for Dad? What is God's specific plan for me?
When the decade started I was over committed, over active and overwhelmed with all the responsibilities that I was carrying. It didn't take long before I hit the wall and burned out. I was barely able to climb the four steps into my apartment. Nor could I really think straight and remembering, well lets just say I missed a lot during that time.
Two years later a sabbatical brought the relief, direction, and refocus I needed to pull my scattered life back together.
The left overs from that time is that I don't multitask well any more and exhaustion comes more easily.
Sometimes the seasons we are in just can't be as controlled as I would like to see them. This is one of those seasons. I learned to limit my activities and say no but sometimes it seems that responsibilities grow without any say from me.
As I looked at the list of life pressures I could check off a number of them. In fact I scored over 500 points. Well over the 300 danger zone. (www.cliving.org/lifestresstestscore.htm)
So even though I have fewer number of commitments and outside activities; I still have some major responsibilities staring me in the face.
I'm reminded that 2010 is another sabbatical year. Seven years have come and gone. This however will look much different from the last sabbatical where I could release all major responsibilities. So my question is what will this sabbatical year look like?
How can I regroup my scattered focus? How do I find rest while running a house and caring for Dad? What is God's specific plan for me?
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