Security Blanket

The beginning of this year of 2021 marked a momentous struggle for me and it all had to do with releasing some insurance I had for 13 years.  I really liked, no I really loved that little policy because you see, it paid me benefits.  Plus, it came at a time when nothing else was available to a me. However, now it was time to let it go. 

It appeared to be a crazy idea but without a lot of robbing Peter to pay Paul, I didn’t have much of a choice.  I woke up that fateful morning on December 27, 2020 with one thought, “It is the right thing to do.”  That thought was a new concept. I went through my morning routine and still the thought swirled around in my head.  As I headed to do my devotions, I prayed, “God, I need a confirmation on this.”  (You see, I have a hard time trusting my own decisions.)

I was at Romans 14 in my devotional that day, reading in the New Living Translation. As I finished the chapter the last line of verse 23 struck me. It was my confirmation, “If you do anything you believe is not right, you are sinning.” Ok, that was very direct.  There was that word “right”.  Yes, It was time to move ahead with the plan to cancel.

The next day, I read Psalm 23:3 and once again the word “right” jumped out at me. “He guides me along right paths, bringing honor to his name.”

Even though he was guiding me on the right path, anxiety and depression kicked in as I found myself grieving over the loss of that little policy and what I now realize was a security blanket for me.  Webster’s dictionary defines a security blanket as “a usually familiar object whose presence dispels anxiety”.  I always knew I could fall back on it.

I’ve doubted my decision as different things began to surface.  This would of made me money, I rationalized. I should of, I should of...  But that inner voice of the Lord said, it’s not about money but about trust and obedience.  It didn’t make the weeks any easier.  In fact, it’s almost a month later and there are times I wish my security blanket was still available.  But now I hang on to the idea of trusting that God’s presence is my security.  That it’s God who will dispel any anxiety. I can’t cancel God nor does he charge for his services. He is my security blanket.

Aloneness

The question of the hour is: If I speak of feeling alone have I hurt God? Have I discredited his leading, his guiding and his direction in my life?

I’ve been pondering those questions for awhile now. Would God be surprised that I felt alone? Have I discredited him?  I do believe that he guides me.  I do believe that he directs me and leads me.  I know he is with me every step of the way. 

Feeling alone is an emotion of loss. I just realized that recently.  Everyone handles loss differently. I feel most alone when I’m overwhelmed by a task, when I have lost someone or thing, or when I’m struggling with something be it physical, emotional or spiritual. Carrying those feelings in the darkness within me, not allowing them to see light by never talking about them is not healthy for me.  Stuffing those emotions only leads me to shut down or react in anger.  Yes, words do have power but so does bringing them into the light. Which will it be? Negative or positive?  

Now back to the question of hurting God.  Jesus cried out on the cross, “My God my God why have you forsaken me”.  Did God feel hurt that Jesus said he was forsaken?  Did Jesus wound him by stating this?  I don’t think God felt offended or that felt Jesus was disrespectful. I think his response to Jesus would of been one of love, compassion and most likely. deep sorrow that his son had to experience this.  If God felt this way with Jesus who is his son, would he not also feel this way toward me as his daughter? Would he discredit my feelings of aloneness?

God is all knowing and all loving and I think he understands when I feel alone at times.  Voicing that aloneness does not discredit that he is active in my life any more than it did when Jesus cried out that he was forsaken.  It is rather the voice of loss and sorrow. A voice that does not discredit God’s power but that is crying out for his help and healing.  A voice that needs light to dispel darkness.

But you, Lord, are a compassionate and gracious God, slow to anger, abounding in love and faithfulness. Psalm 86:15