Merry Christmas and Happy New Year

Life has a way of changing directions at a moment notice.  That has been the sum total of 2010.  With Dad’s unexpected passing in May, my life took on a whole new journey. 

I seem to have my seasons turned around.  I hibernated during our summer of triple digit temperatures.  Neither I, nor my 79 Ford (who has become temperamental in her old age) appreciated the high temperatures so we stayed home and caught up on some much needed rest.

My slogan at that time was “I’ll do this or that when it cools down.”  I had a list a mile long by the time October came around.  Now my slogan is “After the holidays I’ll start this.”   My list once again is growing.

It was fun unpacking Christmas decorations that I have not seen in 16 years.  The house now seems more like home to me.  Maybe it’s time to start unpacking more of my boxes.

What is in store for 2011?  Practically speaking the car and house both need updating… so 2011 will see some more major decisions.  I suspect these will be more fun.  J

It was time for a Sabbatical after Dad died, so I’m just trying to regroup and catch up on some rest and will wait and see what God has for the next season of my life. 

Hope you have a wonderful 2011.

Clock is Ticking

Errrrrr....  Frustrated!  Disappointed.  Overwhelmed.  A phone call yesterday told me some paperwork was all done wrong (by the guy hired to do it).  Boo hoo.  Need your prayers for my attitude... and that this gets done and processed before the end of the year or there will be penalties.  My energy is running on empty.  I need to recharge but the clock is ticking.

Reading

"We read to know we're not alone."  C.S. Lewis

For me this is so true.  Reading has always calmed my spirit, opened my eyes, revealed new ideas, and taken me where I have not been before.  I do not feel alone when I am reading.

Power Boost

My momentum has slowed to a crawl.  Have to get back up to speed to finish off these calls, appointments and paperwork. It's been a month and I just want all the loose ends tied up but I'm out of energy for this.  Need a boost of power.  :)  It will get done.

Unfamiliar Paths

Feel like a duck out of water in the areas before me.  Is. 42:16 is my cry tonight.  "I will lead the blind by ways they have not known, along unfamiliar paths I will guide them; I will turn the darkness into light before them and make the rough places smooth. These are the things I will do; I will not forsake them." 

I so need your prayers for the decisions ahead.

To Do That... To Do This

The death certificates have now arrived and that means lots of work to do.  I'm dreading this week and all it entails.  My to do list is a mile long.  Phone and paperwork. Yuck but I suppose once I start it won't be so bad.  I'm praying for no complications.  Can't bury my head in the sand yet. 

Details Details

Working away at all the details.  The obituary is done and published in 3 papers; one in AZ and two in WI.  That was the hard part.  Mostly waiting now for the death certificate to arrive before more business can take place.

A New Home

A new home awaited Dad on May 15th.  It was sad to see him leave but joy now awaits him along with many family members.  I think he was waiting for me to let him know I would be alright.  About an hour after I told him it was okay to go and I would miss him but I would be alright he was gone. 

Right now I'm in the midst of organizing the remaining details.  A memorial service will be later on as I have no idea right now of who, what, where or when.  It would be nice to have a bit of time to make it special.

In place of flowers, please send donations to a charity of your choosing.  Dad loved to give to others and this would be an honor to him and me both.

My Peace I Leave WIth You

Jesus give me a peace to let him go and give him a peace to leave when it is your time.  I want to yell no, no, no as I type that but I also know his time is in God's hand.  I can not keep him here. Take him to you so he can be healthy and whole, active and joyful once again, leaving behind this body that no longer works.

Downhill Slide

Dad is weak and lethargic, hardly talking or eating.  Last night some close friends came over and he was responsive to them and held a decent conversation. Hadn't done that for awhile.  Today he has slept the entire day only waking when I had to feed him and give him his medicine.  The Doctor will come this afternoon to see him.

Excitement to Disappointment

My excitement turned to disappointment today.  Had the nurse and aide lined up to tag team to get Dad in and out of bed.  However, he did not want to get up today.  "Tomorrow", he said, but it leads to another tomorrow and another one.  Also tomorrow I have no one to get him up.

He still is really weak and lethargic. Moving requires a tremendous effort.  He has a loose cough and now his upper back hurts he said.  The nurse said his lungs are clear so don't know what is going on there. 

Trying a new medication to see if he will perk up and want to do something.  Just the few days he has been inactive has taken a toll that I don't know can be regained.  Praying that he will not have side effects from the new med and that it will work like it's supposed to.

Maybe I'm in denial and the cancer is really causing the decline but to me it seems more likely that it is the inactivity so we are in a catch 22.  He has to do some activity to even want to be active. He's becoming dead weight and that is going to be very difficult for me to handle alone so something will have to change and I don't want to think about that problem right now.

All or Nothing

Had 4 sets of visitors this afternoon.  Dad was doing better today but retaining fluids in his hands.  Nurse said not to worry.  Nurse and aide are going to tag team on Tues and Thurs to get him out in and out of bed.  One getting him out and the other coming an hour later to put him back in.

Both of us sound asleep when the 10 PM alarm went off for Dad's medicine tonight; me in the chair and Dad in his bed.  Neither of us very happy to have to wake up.  He was like dead weight trying to get ready for bed and could hardly get him to drink enough to take his pills.  Both of us being stubborn.  I now have a headache and am awake.  He of course went right back to sleep. 

I can do this with lots of help and ... cooperation from Dad.

When I am Afraid...

Dad wasn't feeling well today.  The laxative I gave him didn't agree with him and his stomach was hurting.  He is also dehydrated.  For some reason he is having trouble drinking but is okay with eating.  So got melons and grapes to get more liquids down that way.

Sometimes it seems that he has just given up.  I realize I have to be okay with that.  I have to be able to let him go.  I'm not there yet.  I still want to do everything possible to keep him here as long as possible.  When he felt sick today he said he was afraid but I'm not sure what he's afraid of.  I'm afraid also.  I'm afraid of failing him now at the end.  I take it personally when he doesn't eat or drink as if somehow it's my responsibility to get him to do that.  I take it personally when he is depressed and sullen.  I should find a way to make him more mentally active.  I take it personally when I can't get him out of bed.  I should be stronger so I could move him and get him more physically active. 

Whether these be truth or lie, I have still have to let go.  God has his days in His hand.  I keep reminding myself of this.  I am not God.  I can't cure the cancer.  I can't physically lift him.  I can't make him happy again.  But I can love him and care for him to the best of my ability.  

Lord help me turn him over to you; day by day, hour by hour, minute by minute. 

Quiet Day

Just us today.  No visitors or nurses.  Too quiet really.

Fire Department to the Rescue

I did get a nap in this afternoon until the phone rang.  It was an interesting day.

Dad was stuck in the wheelchair because neither of us had the strength to get him back out.  The Fire Dept came to the rescue with four guys and the big fire truck.  One guy lifted him two feet off the ground and back into bed.  He made it look so easy.

Seems that the shingles are once again contagious for chickenpox.  Have to find a way to keep him on his side so they can get some air to them.

Praying we can BOTH get some sleep tonight. 

Awake and asleep...Can you be both?

I'm overwhelmed with responses to help, visits from hospice and the legal things to update and expenses.  Love the help but coordinating takes more energy than I have.  (It will come together somehow.)

Doesn't help that I'm tired and my brain just wants to shut down right now.   Was hoping for a good nights sleep.  Prayed for Dad but guess we forgot to pray for me.  Although he's been awake every hour or two he goes right back to sleep.  I can't say that for myself.  I've been awake since 1:30 am.  Oh that our sleep would coincide.

Dad well...

He is fixated on his feet - convinced something is not right. I think he's feeling the air mattress under him.  Also fixated on the couch and something he perceives as different.  Have no clue but that we moved out some furniture to put in the bed.

Yesterday he hasn't been finishing his sentences. He is determined that he has to do something but doesn't know what. That's kind of scary for me.

When he left the hospital the doctor said his shingles were not contagious because they were scabbed over. Now the ones on his back are wet again. Wonder if he's contagious again or just not healing because he's on his back continuously and sweating from the air mattress??? Been putting Aloe Vera plant on them.

So I need sleep desperately.  I don't want to deal with any of this at the moment but my brain won't shut off...until he gets ready to wake up.  Then I'll be ready to sleep.  Maybe I can catch a nap after his haircut and visit with the social worker.  Although I haven't been good at nap taking lately either.

Not a happy camper. So very frustrated and overwhelmed right now.  Reminder to me....One thing at a time.

A Few Minutes Outside

A full nights sleep.  May take a few of these to catch up.  Got Dad up and outside for a few minutes, by myself.  That was exercise in itself.  A nurse suggested I get a back brace.  Need something for posture also as my neck has problems also when I lift.

What To Do?

Dad's bored.  I'm tired.  Have to figure out something.  No visitors this afternoon.  Maybe that would have helped us both. 

Learning Experience

Definitely a learning experience, especially in lifting him.  Has two more radiation treatments to go; Monday and Tuesday.  Hope to have a routine by then.  His sleep schedule is off.  He sleeps during the day and awake at night.  Got to get that turned around.

Dad is Home

Paperwork prevented him coming home yesterday but he came home this morning. Now he needs to re-orientate to here. Let the fun begin. The one thing I learned in Montana... How to ask for help. I'm going to be needing it. :)

Dad coming home

If all goes as planned Dad should be home sometime tomorrow afternoon.  He has radiation in the morning and then meeting with Hospice to arrange all the details.  When hospital bed and equipment get set up, he'll be transported home.

He did much better today because he had lots of visitors so he was all smiles.  I feel good about this move even though he had a better day.  They admitted a new lady tonight across the hall who keeps yelling for help every few minutes.  Told Dad just to turn off his hearing aid...  :)

Realizing...

Funny usually when you come home from a hospital it's to health and renewed life. Realizing tonight that it's just the opposite for Dad.  I'm not ready to go there and probably one reason why I gave the Rehab center a try.  It was the only thing left before admitting that if he comes home it will be... in God's time.  Nothing more I can do but make him happy and as comfortable as possible.  It's so hard to face and I'm so tired. All I've been able to do is handle the logistics.  Tonight at 2 AM the emotions of the past month are hitting. Guess that is good.  Now maybe I can sleep.

Saturday Visit

Just to clear up any possible misunderstanding. Even though I suggested in my email to check the blog for updates it was in no way saying I did not want to hear from you... but be warned you just may not hear back from me right away.  LOL  It's that I don't always get to send mass emails as easily as updating the blog or facebook. 
 
I was back to visit him this afternoon and he is still depressed and wanting to come home.  His roommate kept him up all night crying out that he was going to die. Those along with some other incidents make me realize that it just doesn't seem to be working to have him there.  So once again another change to bring him home seems to be immanent. 

Your continued prayers are always appreciated.

Discharged from Hospital

On April 23 Dad was discharged from the hospital to a Skilled Nursing Facility to continue with physical therapy and 7 more radiation treatments.  When that finishes, I will bring him home or before if necessary.  He so badly wanted to come home now that he was pretty sad as we transferred him from the hospital.

Watching him walk a few steps in physical therapy and knowing the pain it was causing has planted some doubt in my mind.  It is best if he could be up even for short periods to prevent the complications that come from being bedridden.

Combine that with the sadness of adjusting to a new facility and not coming home made for a rough night, at least for me and I suspect for Dad.  It was 8:30PM before he was tucked in for the night at the facility. That was last night.  I have not been over to see him yet this morning.

I suspect he will adjust as he gets to know the nurses and people there.  It is only short term and the next step to coming home.

Continued prayers are appreciated.  Lots of wisdom, strength and peace in the midst of the storm needed.

Hospital Report

Radiation Onocology Dr. is full of hope that he can still be mobile. Now waiting for Physcial Therapy evaluation. More decisions after that. I love this Radiation Dr. for offering a postive attitude and encouragement. She says Dad is full is "still full of life yet" and wants to give him every opportunity available.

If he qualifies for PT he can go to a Skilled Nursing Facility which would be plan A. From there he could be transported back to the hospital for the remainder of his radiation.

My goal with PT would be for him to be able to transfer from bed to wheelchair and wheelchair to car and be able to be sitting up for a period of time instead of bedridden.  Walking a short distance would be wonderful.  This would help prevent the many complications of being bedridden.

Dad is alert, eating well and in good spirits.  

4/21

Just when I thought there was a plan of action it may have changed. Radiation Dr. called today and she started his first treatment. She discovered a broken bone in his hip that no one knew about. Plan of action may ...change now if he is unable to regain mobility. Pray for wisdom for me and the Dr.

 

4/20

Dad's biopsy results are in. Terminal cancer in his spine, ribs and hip that may have started in stomach or esphogus. Chemo not an option. Starts radiation on spine and hip tomorrow. This will not cure only reduce his pain. Discharge from hospital is a complicated issue. Pray that he will come home only when it is God's time and not before.

 4/16-18

Sick with a stomach bug so did not go to hospital at all but kept in phone contact.

 

Hospital News

4/12/10

Taking Dad to Emergency Room as can no longer wait for outpatient testing. He now has shingles. Requesting prayer that they find the cause of the pain and some solution.

4/14/10

Dad has a tumor on his spine which is what probably caused the vertebrae to fracture in the first place, along with a couple other spots on his spine. Doctor is 99.9% sure it is cancer. He also has a case of shingles so they have him listed as contact isolation. Appreciate prayers for upcoming decisions: treatment/comfort/care and healing.

His pain is much better since giving him an anti-inflammatory steroid with the Tylenol. He is eating much better than he has in months but is experiencing some confusion.

4/15/10
Dad had biopsy today. Results take 3 days. Today noticed bruise on left arm. Not sure why.

Tonight the nurse called cause he tried to get out of bed and fell. He appears to be all okay everything moves and no marks. I just talked to him. Must be feeling better because he hasn't tried to get up for a couple weeks.

I'm stressed, exhausted and my stomach is complaining so have been making short trips to hospital today. Hope to sleep in tomorrow. Told Dad I would not be in so early tomorrow because I'm very tired....

Out On A Limb

It was in 1995 with God convincing me to attend YWAM, that I was challenged by The Message version of the Parable of the Talents. Matthew 25:14-30

I am not a risk taker but the one line “get rid of this play-it-safe who won’t go out on a limb” struck home with me. It was time to start going out on that limb.

As the years have gone by I have climbed farther and farther out on that limb. I must admit that sitting out there on that limb in the midst of a storm was not pleasant at all. It felt as if it would break and I would come tumbling down. Yet the limb held fast to the trunk, bending nearly to the breaking point – or so I thought – while I held on for dear life.

Seems like all I ever do is hang on for dear life. I’m ready for the time when I can climb down or at least come in near the trunk where the storm does not whip the branch so much. Can I do that? Can I come in close to the stability and strength of the trunk, my Lord? Can I hold fast to your strength, stability and be sheltered from the whipping branches that the wind tosses to and fro?

Would you shelter me, hold me in the palm of your hand as the storms of life come?

A Busy Week

Just an update on the happenings here in Arizona... As soon as I started sending out the last emails I could feel the support and prayers lifting the heaviness.

This week was a busy one. I was able to get home health care to come to the house. So we had a nurse, physical therapist, occupational therapist, aide and social worker coming about 2 times a week.

Dad is most comfortable in bed and now spends about 99% of his time there. He cannot sit upright more than a couple minutes without extreme pain in his hip. Next week they are sending out a portable x -ray machine to see if there is a possible fracture even though he was still walking on it. Been working on getting fluids and food in him. He's not hungry - pain and prone doesn't make for a big appetite. I tell him he has to eat even though he's not hungry.

Since he can no longer sit up or travel he has also been put on a home based nursing program as of yesterday. That means a nurse practitioner will be coming to the house instead of him having to go into the Doctor. Not sure what else that entails.

Although I’m glad for the help, we were both glad to see the weekend arrive. It was a little overwhelming this week.

Not What I Thought

I’ve been back in Arizona now almost six months.  Although Dad had been falling frequently over the past year he always seemed to come out on top until now.

A fall in November produced 3 fractured vertebrae and the discovery of osteoporosis, degenerative disc disease and arthritis in his hip.  Another fall in January aggravated the condition and from the intense pain he probably experienced another fracture.

I’ve been struggling with anxiety big time.  Seems medical issues trigger this for me but there is no way I can avoid this so I am in desperate need of God’s healing touch.   I realized that my expectation was that I would be able to help Dad and he would get better.  However, he has gotten worse.  Not what I expected.

There are so many emotions involved that I feel like a wind-up toy just ready to spring.  I literally jump at any noise.  My heart races as I hear his walker hit a wall, (Has he fallen again?) or when he groans with the pain.  Many of these emotions; inadequacy, shame, insecurity, rejection, and fear, I thought I had worked through years ago.  But like an onion there seems to be many layers that I am still peeling off and they are resurfacing once again.  I am feeling very vulnerable, and needy; overwhelmed and tired.  When I’m in that place it is very difficult to think clearly and distinguish the lies of the enemy.

I also realized, when I am afraid, I want to fix.  Instead, I know I should be saying … When I am afraid, I will trust in you [Lord].  When I cannot fix, I am ashamed of my failure.  When I am anxious I am ashamed that this time in life is too difficult for me. 

I feel like I am carrying a 20 ton weight on my shoulders and even physically I have to remind myself to stand straight and not slouch. Oh for a good massage.

So both Dad and I need your prayers.  I want to be able to provide good care for him - caring for him without fear or anxiety about every move or decision.   To be healthy myself and enjoy, not just endure this time together.

There is so much for me to learn in this journey – The emotional needs, the practical needs, the everyday needs, the monthly, yearly and those once in a lifetime experiences.  I try to take one day at a time.  Doing what has to be done right then.  This has become a full time job.

A line from the Sound of Music says, “Now I am seeking the courage I lack.  The courage to serve them with reliance, face my mistakes without defiance, show them I’m worthy and while I show them I’ll show me…” fits well.

Reading a care-giving article it said to list your strengths and weaknesses and delegate your weaknesses.  I understand because right now my weaknesses are the necessities and my strengths are the incidentals, which equals exhaustion.

I am trying the best I can to take care of me.  I am walking daily, reading, cross-stitching… the things that usually recharge me.  Yet I struggle.

It’s a new season and I definitely don’t have it figured out yet.  I am able to get some Bible study time which I am enjoying and feel like I’m growing again spiritually…slowly but surely.

How I love the psalms and David’s honesty.  His feelings of weariness, depression, guilt, fear, rejection are there for all to see and I definitely can relate to his feelings. Yet his eyes never left the majesty of God. Oh that when I am in the midst of my own self-centeredness and self-pity – I can say like David, “I put my hope in God”.

On Christian TV (TBN) the other day there was a message that spoke directly to my heart; Judges 13, the birth of Samson and the visit of the angel of the Lord.  When a sacrifice was offered for the miraculous news of the coming child, the angel of the Lord rose to heaven with the flame from the offering.  It was a message of hope and rebuilding of faith; a return of passion and joy; a message that the sun will come out; a message for those in anxiety and depression.  A message for those who transition has seemed like forever… a new season is coming and I offer a sacrifice of praise to the Lord.

My key verse for this season.

Be strengthened and encouraged by the Holy Spirit. Acts 9:31 

Sherri

What's on my mind? Decisions. Choosing a doctor for myself and then making appointment. Dad's health issues. Talking with his Doctor. Anxiety and keeping calm. Aloneness vs rest. Tree trimmers and rain.

Sickness and the Word.   Pr. 4:20-22 

"...listen closely to my words.  Do not let them out of your sight, keep them within your heart; for they are life to those who find them and health to a man's whole body."

Grief and the Word.  Ps. 119:28

"My soul is weary with sorrow; strengthen me according to your word."

Locked in ...

Typing a note on Facebook this morning, I realized how much I miss just seeing people around to say "Hi".  Facebook is nice to keep in the know and it almost feels like you are sharing some of that persons life, but almost misses the personal touch.  A voice, a face, a touch and most of all a quality sharing conversation says to me "I care".

For now, I'm where I'm supposed to be.  Switched to pain medication for Dad's back (3 fractured vertebrae and arthritis in his hip) but that is leaving him sleepy and drugged so will try something else during the day and use it only at night or only when needed.  I don't know.

The ground is saturated with half the precipitation we get in a year all coming at once during this week. The sky is clearing after 5 days of rain maybe so will my brain fog.

More house stuff.  Fix one thing and another goes haywire.   I don't know.

Everything is landing on me now.  Walking a tightrope. 

Standing in the need of prayer.

When the Adult and Child Collide Within

When the adult and child collide within there is - Confusion. I'm weary, numb, indecisive and fearing failure. I thought I had put childish behavior and reactions behind me only to uncover them once again.  So I searched for the verse that contained "When I was a child..." and discovered it in the well known Love Chapter of 1 Corinthians.  What has love got to do with it?

 ⁸Love never fails. But where there are prophecies, they will cease; where there are tongues, they will be stilled; where there is knowledge, it will pass away. ⁹For we know in part and we prophesy in part, ¹⁰but when perfection comes, the imperfect disappears. ¹¹When I was a child, I talked like a child, I thought like a child, I reasoned like a child. When I became a man, I put childish ways behind me. ¹²Now we see but a poor reflection as in a mirror; then we shall see face to face. Now I know in part; then I shall know fully, even as I am fully known. ~ 1 Corinthians 13:8-12 NIV

"Love never fails... When perfection comes, the imperfect disappears."   John says, "Perfect love drives out fear."  Perfection speaking of Jesus' return.  Perfect love speaking of Jesus'.  Knowing I'm loved and accepting that makes all the difference in putting off childish ways.  Here's a question that I don't have an answer for at this moment. Why is knowing I'm loved without any conditions so hard for me to accept and believe?

To be continued....

Home Again

I used to have a recurring dream where I would be climbing up a steep, rocky mountain only to slide right back down before I ever reached the top.

Here I am in my 50's and once again living in the home where I spent  my teen-age and young adult years.  Just when I've thought I've climbed those mountains of pleasing, of fear, of failure, of insecurity or inadequacy, I have found myself sliding back down and having to face them all over again. 

I'm back in a place where even as an adult - I was a child.   Emotional growth took place after I moved away.  But by the time I left home at 26, I felt a good 10 years behind in emotional development and still clueless as to who the adult Sherri was independent of Mom, Dad and Grandma.

Dad is the only one still here physically but there are reminders all around of Mom and Grandma.  It's hard not to become enmeshed once again and lose myself in the process during this season of service, falling back into the inadequacy and insecurity of a teen-ager.

The house is in a time warp.  It's like walking back into the 60's and 70's.  Nothing much has changed, except the accumulation of more stuff, from 1969 when we moved in.  I know retro is in but it's not working for me.

The Decade of 2000

I just realized that this past decade, the decade of 2000, started and ended about the same; exhausted and overwhelmed.  No, it wasn't all ten years of exhaustion or I don't expect I would be here today.   There were some good times in between.

When the decade started I was over committed, over active and overwhelmed with all the responsibilities that I was carrying.  It didn't take long before I hit the wall and burned out.  I was barely able to climb the four steps into my apartment. Nor could I really think straight and remembering, well lets just say I missed a lot during that time.

Two years later a sabbatical brought the relief, direction, and refocus I needed to pull my scattered life back together.

The left overs from that time is that I don't multitask well any more and exhaustion comes more easily.

Sometimes the seasons we are in just can't be as controlled as I would like to see them.  This is one of those seasons.  I learned to limit my activities and say no but sometimes it seems that responsibilities grow without any say from me.

As I looked at the list of life pressures I could check off a number of them.  In fact I scored over 500 points.  Well over the 300 danger zone. (www.cliving.org/lifestresstestscore.htm)

So even though I have fewer number of commitments and outside activities; I still have some major responsibilities staring me in the face.

I'm reminded that 2010 is another sabbatical year.  Seven years have come and gone.  This however will look much different from the last sabbatical where I could release all major responsibilities.  So my question is what will this sabbatical year look like?

How can I regroup my scattered focus?  How do I find rest while running a house and caring for Dad?  What is God's specific plan for me?