Responsibility

 I have never been a fan of responsibility.  I’m always afraid of making the wrong decision, of failing.  Yet God has this sense of humor and sees what I don’t in myself.  

Everywhere I turn, there I am - responsible for things I never expected to be responsible for.  Many times I get overwhelmed and tired of carrying this load by myself.  I just want to give up. Yet God must see something I don’t.  Otherwise why would this all be falling to me?   

But for an only child with a helicopter Mom responsibility was foreign to me until my later teens and adulthood.  Boy did I get a dose at adulthood.  Life is full of responsibilities: job, home, family and friends. All come with responsibilities that can’t be avoided, as much as I would like to avoid them.  However, when life becomes overwhelming and I am sinking in the mire under the heavy load, I remember Peter stepping out of the boat in the midst of the storm.  The hand of Jesus nearby to pull him up when he needed it. Peter needed that hand that reached out and so do I. Quite often in fact.

“Nothing's impossible I have found,
For when my chin is on the ground,
I pick myself up,
Dust myself off,
Start all over again.”*

*Pick Yourself Up by Dorothy Fields/Jerome Kern

Darkness and Light are the Same to You

My friend of 40 years has been a trooper over the past 4 months.  She has young onset Parkinson’s for 32 of those years and has loved the Lord through her trials.  She’s been more than a friend to me; she’s a sister, maybe not by blood but in my heart, and also a sister in Christ.  

But now her falls resulted in a broken wrist the end of February and a broken hip the end of March.  The hip was repaired but then dislocated and could not be manipulated back in.  She no longer can walk. It’s been a hard 4 months with many episodes with her DBS equipment to control her tremors. Medical personnel did not seem to understand the equipment or the importance of keeping it charged.  Each episode when it shut off left her weaker and more mentally challenged.  It has been so hard to watch her decline but when we thought we would lose her - she rallied.  Her time her on earth not complete.  Nor was I ready to release her yet.

Yesterday there was another episode with the DBS.  This time the staff said she keeps removing it while they have it on her to charge. (It just lays on her chest to charge.)

I woke up at 3.30am this morning with my heart sad but ready to release her now into the hands of Jesus. I am praying for the hearts of the other friends and family to be ready too.  

I know she will have a better life with Him than what she is experiencing here on earth now. She loves people and talking about the Lord.  Her voice is so weak now she is difficult to understand and she spends her days going from a recliner to wheelchair to bed with limited social interaction.  This is not a joyful quality of life any longer for her.  So the time has come for my heart to release her as hard and sad as it is.  She will be free of pain, equipment failure and have gained Christ in the process.

I don't know when God's time is for her, she may still be here for years, but I feel God has prepared me to release her into his hands.

Psalm 139:12 (NLT): “but even in darkness I cannot hide from you. To you the night shines as bright as day. Darkness and light are the same to you.”