The Waiting

 Fifteen years.  I never expected to still be in this place for so long.  Remember the words Rest, Rebuild, Wait from 2019.  The wait seems unending.

Faith and trust have taken a pounding.  The voice of God has been silent for a long time for me.  I keep waiting for Gods direction.  I remember the time when God was silent with the Israelites for 400 years before Jesus arrived.  Abraham waited 13 years before God spoke to him again after the birth of Ishmael.

Recently, there is a stirring in my heart.  There is still no direction but I continue to wait on God’s plan; revisiting the stories of faith and trust from the past and pressing forward toward whatever God’s direction will entail.

Words Have Power

 Some thoughts running through my mind this morning…

Realizing this morning, after a phone call yesterday, why I go directly to thinking I did something wrong when friendships evaporate. 

The conversation went something like this.  If I hear you are doing this, (whatever they didn’t like) I’m not going to call you again. Ouch. Words have power. The rest of the conversation was fantastic, just saying!

She said it teasingly but I realized it’s not this first time someone has put conditions on my friendship. Thus my light bulb moment in realizing, that as people wander out of my life, I think it’s because it’s my fault; not just a season or life’s busyness or their issues.

I get it - I’m not perfect but I really do not like change, especially when it involves people that I care about. Jesus, thank you for shining your light on this area in my heart.  Bring your healing balm and keep me safe in your hands for you will never leave me. I put my hope in you.

Responsibility

 I have never been a fan of responsibility.  I’m always afraid of making the wrong decision, of failing.  Yet God has this sense of humor and sees what I don’t in myself.  

Everywhere I turn, there I am - responsible for things I never expected to be responsible for.  Many times I get overwhelmed and tired of carrying this load by myself.  I just want to give up. Yet God must see something I don’t.  Otherwise why would this all be falling to me?   

But for an only child with a helicopter Mom responsibility was foreign to me until my later teens and adulthood.  Boy did I get a dose at adulthood.  Life is full of responsibilities: job, home, family and friends. All come with responsibilities that can’t be avoided, as much as I would like to avoid them.  However, when life becomes overwhelming and I am sinking in the mire under the heavy load, I remember Peter stepping out of the boat in the midst of the storm.  The hand of Jesus nearby to pull him up when he needed it. Peter needed that hand that reached out and so do I. Quite often in fact.

“Nothing's impossible I have found,
For when my chin is on the ground,
I pick myself up,
Dust myself off,
Start all over again.”*

*Pick Yourself Up by Dorothy Fields/Jerome Kern

Darkness and Light are the Same to You

My friend of 40 years has been a trooper over the past 4 months.  She has young onset Parkinson’s for 32 of those years and has loved the Lord through her trials.  She’s been more than a friend to me; she’s a sister, maybe not by blood but in my heart, and also a sister in Christ.  

But now her falls resulted in a broken wrist the end of February and a broken hip the end of March.  The hip was repaired but then dislocated and could not be manipulated back in.  She no longer can walk. It’s been a hard 4 months with many episodes with her DBS equipment to control her tremors. Medical personnel did not seem to understand the equipment or the importance of keeping it charged.  Each episode when it shut off left her weaker and more mentally challenged.  It has been so hard to watch her decline but when we thought we would lose her - she rallied.  Her time her on earth not complete.  Nor was I ready to release her yet.

Yesterday there was another episode with the DBS.  This time the staff said she keeps removing it while they have it on her to charge. (It just lays on her chest to charge.)

I woke up at 3.30am this morning with my heart sad but ready to release her now into the hands of Jesus. I am praying for the hearts of the other friends and family to be ready too.  

I know she will have a better life with Him than what she is experiencing here on earth now. She loves people and talking about the Lord.  Her voice is so weak now she is difficult to understand and she spends her days going from a recliner to wheelchair to bed with limited social interaction.  This is not a joyful quality of life any longer for her.  So the time has come for my heart to release her as hard and sad as it is.  She will be free of pain, equipment failure and have gained Christ in the process.

I don't know when God's time is for her, she may still be here for years, but I feel God has prepared me to release her into his hands.

Psalm 139:12 (NLT): “but even in darkness I cannot hide from you. To you the night shines as bright as day. Darkness and light are the same to you.”

Friends Closer Than A Brother

Thoughts on brothers and friends…..

Prov. 18:24 NLT

“There are friends who destroy each other, but a real friend sticks closer than a brother.”    

(or in the NIV)

“One who has unreliable friends soon comes to ruin, but there is a friend who sticks closer than a brother.” Proverbs 18. 24 NIV

………………………

What a Friend We Have In Jesus

What a Friend we have in Jesus, all our sins and griefs to bear!

What a privilege to carry everything to God in prayer!

O what peace we often forfeit, O what needless pain we bear,

All because we do not carry everything to God in prayer.

Have we trials and temptations? Is there trouble anywhere?
We should never be discouraged; take it to the Lord in prayer.
Can we find a friend so faithful who will all our sorrows share?
Jesus knows our every weakness; take it to the Lord in prayer.

Are we weak and heavy laden, cumbered with a load of care?

Precious Savior, still our refuge, take it to the Lord in prayer.
Do your friends despise, forsake you? Take it to the Lord in prayer!
In His arms He'll take and shield you; you will find a solace there.

Blessed Savior, Thou hast promised Thou wilt all our burdens bear
May we ever, Lord, be bringing all to Thee in earnest prayer.
Soon in glory bright unclouded there will be no need for prayer
Rapture, praise and endless worship will be our sweet portion there.”

Source: Musixmatch 

What A Friend We Have In Jesus, Songwriters: Charles Crozat Converse / Paul Joseph Baloche / Joseph Medlicott 

…………………………………

The Fisherman: A Novel by Larry Huntsperger

“If so, then you also have before you a pilgrimage, a bridge to cross. Only, when the Spirit finally leads you to the other side, and the Master asks you, “Who do you say that I am?” your great and glorious breakthrough will not be, “You are Messiah,” it will be, “You are my friend.”

This is my favorite quote.  I have no problem saying “Jesus is the Messiah” but oh how I long to have that breakthrough to be able to say in my heart, “Jesus is my friend”.

In Everything Give Thanks

“Rejoice always, pray continually, give thanks in all circumstances; for this is God’s will for you in Christ Jesus.” 1 Thessalonians 5:16-18

In everything give thanks.  A controversial concept.  But the next part, is even more so, “for this is God’s will for you.  Do I really believe God is in full control of my life?  That he is aware of everything happening to me?  That He has a plan and a purpose for me?  Even if it’s a difficult time? Remember Job?

I don’t have the answers.  It’s the age old question that only God can answer.  Why do bad things happen to good people?  

For me right now, I know I am tired of the anxiety, fear and depression.  I’m tired of Satan robbing me of peace and joy.  It is time to give God praise and break free from the enemy’s taunts.  Time to turn my mourning into joy. 

I read a book called Prison to Praise by Merlin Carothers in the 70’s.  That book has been in my mind for a few weeks now, so I finally reread it recently.  He said in it, “I have come to believe that the prayer of praise is the highest form of communion with God, and one that always releases a great deal of power into our lives. Praising Him is not something we do because we feel good; rather it is an act of obedience. Often the prayer of praise is done in sheer teeth-gritting willpower; yet when we persist in it, somehow the power of God is released into us and into the situation.”— Prison To Praise by Merlin Carothers 

In a search I did of the Bible, the word praise is found 363 time in the NIV version.   Can I praise him everyday? Even those days that are not going very well?  I am trying to intentionally thank Him, to praise Him.

The next thing that I have been trying to be intentional about is speaking out loud.  Most of the time I pray or talk to God in my head and I know God hears me but Satan is not a mind reader. He needs to know I’m not putting up with his shenanigans. Recently, I begin to feel there is power in the the spoken word.  When Jesus was ministering He spoke the word out. Believe it or not, even articles I found on Google talked about the benefits of talking out loud.  (Google talking out loud.) I know personally, it helps me remember things if I say them out loud. I just had never applied that concept to prayer or praise.

So I am trying, key word trying, to thank God in everything, realize he is in control and speak out my prayers and praises and not just think them.  I’m a work in process.

Out With A Bang… In With a Crash

The past six weeks or so has been a traumatic time. A gas leak in the water heater started the chain of events on December 13, 2021  A battle with the repair tech and then installer meant a week without hot water but it is under warranty.  (I have yet to see a reimbursement check for the water heater but they say it’s been processed.)

The day the water heater was to be installed I woke up at 1:30am.  Laying there I heard a strange noise and got up to investigate.  Thank God I did as water was shooting out in the guest bathroom from the toilet. I quickly turned off the water and sucked up about a gallon from the floor.  Come to find out the main water supply line had busted where it attached to the toilet.  My whole house could of been flooded in a matter of minutes had I not caught it so quickly. Praise the Lord.

Then I had the lemon tree stump sprayed for termites and I had a reaction to the chemicals, mouth sores.

By this time it is December 23rd, Dad’s birthday.  Normally, I feel a bit melancholy starting in November with birthdays, holidays and deaths. But I had done well this year.  Even had a couple really good weeks towards the end of November, early December. But now the depression set in on top of anxiety.  I’m ready to pack up and move but I don’t know where. So I stay.

The New Year arrived. 2022 is here but it got worse instead of better. I started to feel paranoid about the reaction to the termite chemicals. 

January 7th an eye infection arrived with an ear infection on it’s heals.  Using drops in both.  A trip to the ear doctor uncovers that the 5 year ear tube came out in 4 months.  The hole is still healing so it’s back to her mid February. She did say that the mouth sores could also be caused by the steroids in the drops.  

January 20, my neighbor for 53 years sold her house and was put on hospice.  That weekend the kids moved everything thing out and for me it was the end of an era.  So very sad.  Hit me harder than I expected.

Recap the past six weeks… gas leak, water leak, reaction to termite chemicals, Dad’s birthday and Christmas alone.  Eye and ear infections, neighbor’s house sold and put on hospice. Still awaiting reimbursement check and dealing with mouth sores.

So the next blog will be climbing out of the hole of depression and anxiety.  In everything give thanks…